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#1141 JCTucker


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Posted 25 June 2018 - 01:22 PM

Outside of the first 10 minutes, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is ass.

I know this is to the surprise of no one, but it still pains me.

Man, I'm sorry to hear that.  I'm going to check it out either tonight or tomorrow.

#1142 JCTucker


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Posted 26 June 2018 - 12:47 PM

Man, I'm sorry to hear that.  I'm going to check it out either tonight or tomorrow.

Whew, boy!  I went to see it last night.   I have never been this passionate about how terrible a movie is as I was after the first scene in this movie.  Thousands of words incoming...  Are we gonna do this?  FUCK YEAH. Put your spoiler panties on, because Tucker's coming in hot!


1 - The opening scene.  Who the hell thought it was a good idea to put a dinosaur sized opening to the OPEN FUCKING SEA in the Mosasaur pen?  I mean, I can see maybe some sort of opening to allow water flow, but it can be accomplished with something that isn't 500 feet tall and 100 feet across!  JESUS TF CHRIST ON A CRACKER.  Hey, y'all also know how when your remote stops working, your entire TV is just FUCKED?  I mean, I don't, but apparently in the JP world, if the device you use to remotely open or close a door breaks, then the action that was happening ALSO STOPS. 


2 - I mean, the writing was just SO FUCKING TERRIBLE.  So, there's this MYSTERIOUS SILENT PARTNER of John Hammond who shows up (everyone "in-universe" knows exactly who he is, though).  It's Farmer Hoggett, everyone!  Not content to guess pigs' weight, Zefram Cochrane intsead clones his dead daughter and passes her off as his granddaughter.  Which is done as this big reveal in the last 20 minutes, but was foreshadowed with the subtlety of 2 jackrabbits fucking in a cage lined with bubble wrap.  There's even a damn line of dialogue:


"Do I look like her?" 

"You could say... You're her spitting image..." 


This is when Deadpool pops in to the side of frame and says "Did ya get that, you fucking retards who only go to see 1 movie a year and have to repeatedly ask your friend just what the hell is happening? REMEMBER THAT FUCKING LINE."   But this revelation immediately breaks my brain.  Because Hammond died in 1998.  But it's stated VERY EXPLICITLY that Hammond said what Lockwood did was "a damn abomination."  It's established that the JP thing happened 20+ years ago, and there is a 3+ year gap between JW and JP.  So, even assuming that Professor Callahan pulled the CLONE BABY from its tube or whatthefuckever and immediately went to Hammond's bedside where he was dying from being too fucking cool for school and was like "SEE JOHN! I MADE HER FROM FROGS!" causing John Hammond to immediately keel over and die, she should have been played by Rose Byrne, is what I'm saying.


The actress playing the little girl is 11 years old, if that!  Colin Trevorrow can't even get basic math right! 


3 - Let's talk more math!  Look, I'm a pretty hefty fella.  I'm working on it, but it is what it is.  If I bump into a wall at the wrong angle or someone bakes a cherry pie and the smell hits me and I spin around too close to a wall, that thing is going to have a new hole.  That's all I'm saying.  But this new dino (more on that in a bit) literally gets a full head of steam and crashes into a wall holding a dumbwaiter door, and bounces off.  3 minutes later, it's on the damn roof, and bends FUCKING STEEL WITH A MISSTEP.   Because these things are measured in TONS, y'know?


4 - Speaking of stupidly blatant foreshadowing, the very first image released to promote this movie was this:




They then show this thing, emphasis on those horns, no fewer than 5 more times.  Because that's what kills the super-dino in this one.


5 - THE INDORAPTOR.  You fucking read that right.  Not content with the Indominus Rex destroying the entire kingdom the last time around, they create a NEW HYBRID that is very bad for the environment.  The name is something that sounds like Kyle Lowry's nickname after his 4th bong hit.  And if you don't know who Kyle Lowry is, don't worry.  This thing is created from the Indominus' DNA spliced with a Raptor.  But the Rex was already a 'raptor hybrid... 'member?  Because I don't think the writers did.  That was the whole plot twist, they let loose the raptors to hunt it, but then the Indo starts talking to them and flips them. 


6 - Last thing, I swear.  When building a franchise, there needs to be an agreed upon set of rules. One of the fundamental aspects of those rules are "Here is our basic premise."  In JP, JP2, and JP3, it was "Cloning dinosaurs, no matter how cool and how well planned, can only turn out poorly for humans and is a TERRIBLE IDEA."  Even the most despised movie, JP3, understood this.  The inciting incident of that was illegal tourist boat trips just to the vicinity to paraglide, but something ate the guy in the fog (we don't really care what or how and never find out), and now Screamin' Tea Leoni and Bill Macy have to pretend to be rich to get Alan Grant to take them there... 


But not this movie!  No, this movie takes the immediate stance that saving the dinosaurs is a debate and VERY SIRRUS QUESTION...  This is not a nuanced thing.  If there was an animal alive today that killed ALL THE PEOPLE every time it encountered humans, no one would argue for saving it.  Look, I like animals, but even pitbull owners look at the JP dinos and say "Someone needs to put that thing down." 


In conclusion, Kathleen Kennedy may have ruined Star Wars, but at least she had enough sense to get Colin Trevorrow as far away as possible from the franchise.  Think of how bad his script must've been if the person who read The Last Jedi, and said "YES! You nailed it, Rian!  Let's waste 40 minutes and 2 of our 3 protagonists and make Luke a bitter little bitch.  The audiences are going to love whatever we give them!" read it and goes "Yeah, you don't even get to rewrite this thing.  You just made a 20% RT movie, go away..."  Just fucking imagine.  It probably went back to Endor, and the Ewoks were piloting X-Wings and had managed to reconstruct the superlaser from DS2, and had to be stopped by a combined Rey / Kylo team-up. 

Edited by JCTucker, 26 June 2018 - 01:03 PM.

#1143 Nightshade


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Posted 26 June 2018 - 02:46 PM


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