What is Overwatch, Daddy?
I suppose you kids are finally old enough to know the answer to that question. Hurry off to bed now -- I'll be there shortly to tuck ya'll in with a tale to be told for lifetimes.
Now now, kids, settle down and settle in, 'cause I'm about to weave the fibers of Overwatch's fable into your tiny fucking child minds.
*AHEM* Once upon a time, a highly renowned team of video-game-developing heroes, known for forging some of the most popular games of all time, began working on a secret new IP. This team of superdevelopers were known as
BungBLIZZARD. That's right... Blizzard. Now, no one knew what they were up to exactly -- all anyone NEEDED to know was that they were envisioning something greater than anyone could imagine. So...our team of heroes, equipped with the most refined tools and guided by the most intuitive minds in the land, slowly started transforming their vision into a real, tangible masterpiece. For years, they crafted their ambitious new franchise, knowing that their efforts would capture lightning in a bottle once again. Soon, word of this masterwork began spreading far and wide. It would be science fiction. Set on a future Earth, pitting an array of different factions against one another. It would be a game that combined the best qualities of MMOs with the refined gameplay depth found in first-person shooters. And they called it... The Titanic! A ship so great not even God himself could sink-- wait, hold on. I think I'm mixing something up here.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Blizzie's vision, their tools, their experience -- everything they had at their disposal made them the best of the best -- a genuine meeting of the masterminds. But alas, something went HORRIBLY wrong. Their masterpiece was TOO great, and it could no longer be controlled. Our heroes fought to reign the beast in, but to no avail -- it was like a raging wildfire consuming everything in its wake. It tore Blungzied apart and grew stronger with each casualty. Eventually, the monster grew so titanic that it collapsed in on itself, destroying nearly everything our heroes had worked on for all those years. The great fire was extinguished, but at a great cost. Devastated, battered, and bruised, Bungzard had but one option: rebuild. And so a new fire rose from the ashes of the old, and Overwatch was born. A class-based first-person shooter starring a colorful cast of characters, each with their own unique abilities and playstyles. Blizzard was ready to set sail on the great video game sea, and everyone was free to join them on the S.S. Overwatch. And many did -- your father included. It was a beautiful ship -- and while maybe not as mindblowing or reminiscent of what we were originally lead to believe it would be -- it was a smooth sail and a vessel clearly forged by the hands of masters. Despite the tremendous hurdles Blizzard had to overcome, their efforts were paying off, and their great journey was finally coming to an end. Or should I say, IS finally coming to an end...
That's right, children. You're on board the Overwatch RIGHT. NOW. You've lived on this boat your whole lives and you didn't even know it. Mostly because I've kept you locked in this tiny, windowless room since you were born, but you'll forget all about that in a few days. May 24th to be exact. That is when our voyage will conclude, and our new lives in a new land will begin. A land free from the same old boring video game bullshit everyone's had to put up with for years. May 24th, kids. Overwatch.
Other than the above image, the nextmost important information is probably the hero lineup. There's 21 in total -- at least one for each color of the people rainbow. More detailed information on each hero can be found on the official website. Additionally, Blizzard is supposedly going to announce a new hero on launch day. Rumors claim it will be a support sniper called Sombra.
So this game comes out on PC and consoles, and even though more than a handful of us played the beta on PS4, I ain't buying that PS4 version. I will be on PC mainly because that's where all the cool kids hang out. And also because the PC version is $40. There's a $60 PC version too if you want some mostly mediocre skins and a swagbag of other Blizzard game tablescraps. I know Deftech played the PC beta. I know Kinetic, Sharpe, Gamble, and Supa Ben all have PCs capable of running the game (minimum requirements are pretty reasonable). Also, Nightshade says he'll try to bootcamp the game on his iPod or whatever, but claims he's gonna join the master race this summer. With all that in mind, I hope at least some of you join me. Now also seems like a good time to exchange Battle.net names, since I have almost none of you on my friends list.
Add me or post your tag in here and I'll add you.
Also, whoever wrote that story lied about the release date. It's actually May 23rd if you live in the greatest country that has a bald eagle as their national animal. If you live in merry olde England or -- God forbid -- Ireland or something, you'll have to wait until the 24th. Murica stays winning. #DonaldTrump